In General... (your input needed)

Overall, what article of clothing would you find to be the most humorous to leave in a pool of your own vomit in a hallway at a party with roughly 80 people at it, most of which you didn’t know? Your only asset? The party is in your house.

Additionally, what flavor of <insert brand name of flavored sugar/water beverage mixed from packages and stirred in pitchers> would you think a mass suicide would be best suited by?

Your answers below.

Lazy Obligatory Thursday Blog Post

Yeah, well…what the hell did you do today?

What pisses YOU off?

I know what pisses me off. Pop culture, the economy, the way our government “tells us the truth,” mob mentality, overly sensitive pricks who have nothing but righteous indignation and time on their hands (and probably a Bible hanging out somewhere). I know that I don’t like injustice, and I don’t care for fake shit and people who aren’t who they pretend to be. I DESPISE television, and I hate the way corporations treat “the small people.” And people who call Pink Floyd a “he.” *shudders*

I know this about myself…and if you read my blogs, you probably know all that too (and if you didn’t, you do now). So let’s not talk about that here…

Instead, I want to know what pisses YOU off! I want to hear all about it. Feel free to post down below (anonymous posters welcome…I turned that shit off a long time ago) any amount of complaining and bitching. I want to hear about what makes YOU mad, and why. GET PISSED AND TELL ME!

Your Money...My Money...But Not Really...

I’ll start this off with the caveat that I have a rather limited perspective on international finance and the minutia of things like currency trading and hedge funds, nor do I know any of the douchebags who regularly partake in these probably rather fun and exciting activities. I will tell you that I understand the following part of the system pretty well…and hopefully, you will too after you read this. Don’t worry – I’ll go kinda slow like.

All money comes from a bank. Maybe your local bank…maybe THE BANK…the Federal Reserve, where money sort of comes from. More on that in a minute – for now, just remember: all money comes from a bank. Banks don’t just give away money though, do they? They LOAN the money out. Even the big bank, the Federal Reserve, does this with our government. That’s not the half of it, though. You see, a bank can take in a nice round amount of cash (for argument’s sake) of 10 billion dollars. Now, we learned our lesson from the Great Depression…so the government makes a bank keep a certain amount of cash on hand in the event of a “run on the bank;” basically, a situation in which everyone withdraws their money at the same time for whatever reason. This is usually about 10% of the total cash they’ve taken it or loans they’ve promised. What about the other 90%? Well…that gets loaned right out to folks…with interest. And they deposit it (eventually) in a bank…and the whole shit starts all over again.

The simple truth? Banks create money out of nothing. And it’s a closed system…no new money is actually created. So…if no new money is created…where does the money to pay the interest on all of those loans come from?

Hmmm? HMMMMM? I thought so.

There's Kitten In That Thar Bag!

I know I've posted this before, but what the hell??? Any thoughts at all on this?

You're Probably Wrong

Speaking from the standpoint of someone who deals with YOU (namely, the customer) everysinglefuckingday and has for the last 10 years or more, I can tell you a few things about yourself. Allow me to amaze and bedazzle you.

1.       Your issue isn’t special. Whatever it is, I can promise you I’ve seen it 100 times before…probably this week alone. Quit acting like you are the only one on the block who owns footie pajamas (and still wears them).

2.       You called ME. This should preclude questions such as, “Is this a secure line?” and “How do I know you’re who you say you are?” Do I have a thick, incomprehensible accent? No. Give me your damn information so we can get started.

3.       You may not know me personally from Adam or who the hell ever when you get me on the line, but I work for YOU, not whatever company I represent. You make up the company, and without you there is NO COMPANY. I want YOU to be happy. I am not going to “screw” you, nor am I going to write down your sensitive information and take it home with me to do God knows what with it. So…don’t sass me, ma’am.

4.       When I put you on hold or step away from my desk, I am not off tapping a kegger or whatever it is you think I’m doing. I’m fixing your shit. Be patient while I do this, because…

5.       YOU PROBABLY SCREWED THIS UP IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Nine times out of ten, no matter what company I’ve worked for, it’s YOUR FAULT!! You didn’t read this. You didn’t do that. You forgot or blah blah blah…well, too bad about the excuse. Listen to my heavy-handed lecture, take my advice, here’s your damn whatever back the way it’s supposed to be and have a nice day. And PLEASE make sure to do that last one…so maybe you can talk some sense into the person coming in while you’re headed out.

I don’t speak for all customer service reps, though. I overheard a conversation between two of my ex-coworkers that went a bit something like this:

Rep 1: “Dude, did you hear what I did to that little old lady?”

Rep 2: “Was that the one with the brand new phone?”

Rep 1: “Yeah, dude…it was over as soon as she gave me her card number. I charged her $100 for the phone, and then the system nailed her twice for the monthly service fee. It was awesome…I didn’t say anything to D. (the manager)”

Rep 2: “Won’t you get caught?”

Rep 1: “Naw, dude…I deleted the card out of the system after the transaction happened…no evidence.”

Rep 2: “Whoa…how do you do that…?”

…and so on. Now, if you were to ask me which company this was that I worked for, I would give you a suitably “Fight Club” answer (that answer being, “A major one”). The problem lies in the fact that it’s impossible to keep these people motivated and excited about their jobs when they’re paid minimum wage and have no hope for advancement. Do you honestly think that the 19-year old pimply face girl handing you your burgers this evening has any job satisfaction at all? How can she? And do you expect her to? And how upset do you get when your order is wrong? And do you ever stop and think that YOU and your H3 and your cell phone bill and your $1, 24 oz soda and your fur-lined steering wheel might have caused all of this?

You don’t. I know you don’t, because I don’t. But we need to start. And we need to start soon…or we’re all gonna go batshit crazy in here.

I have to call up my cable provider and scream at them now…for half an hour. Maybe I can make the girl who answers and is making $10 an hour hate her life a little bit more.

Get my point now? Live and let live, folks. J Live and let live.

Awwww Yeah...

Yeah…I abouts to get me to some propagatin’. Thats what this sign for, bitch. It say, “No Ammitance: Propagatin’ Area.” Yeah. It mean stay the fuck out while I get my mack on.

(photographed at a local conservatory, on the door of the seedling room)

Hurry Up! Before I Eat It All...

Perfect condiment…for perfect meal. If you guys want any, you should head over here! I grill for hour!

TV and YOU...and ME...and The Crap Factory, er, Corporate America

Sent to the LA Times in June of 2009 in response to an article painting a doomsday-scenario, sensationalistic picture of life for some folks after the Digital TV Conversion (being “left in the dark,” and having “no access to the outside world” - open a damn window, I say):

Hi there,

I just read your article regarding the Digital TV conversion, which, as I understood it, paints a pretty bleak picture for those folks who haven’t managed to make the switch to a digital converter or what-have-you.

It really does beg the question: Are these folks really going to be missing much? Between the atrocious bias featured in nearly every news program and the inane, insipid reality television programming (“Rock of Love Bus” and “America’s Next Top Model” come to mind), it seems as though a conscientious government who wanted a thinking, intelligent population would outlaw the television and mandate that its citizens read something. Or maybe spend time with their families.

I’m not a conspiracy theorist or “some nut job.” I’m just looking at this situation from an objective perspective.

Of course, the mind-numbing marketing and propaganda that permeate every aspect of modern “entertainment” (and I use the term as loosely as possible) wouldn’t reach their intended audiences. People wouldn’t know how to act or what to buy. They wouldn’t know what kind of cars they wanted to drive. They might not even have anything to discuss around their water coolers at work. All commerce would screech to a halt and the apocalypse would most certainly ensue. And the most frightening thing of all could happen: People might just start thinking for themselves again.

I guess it’s just one man’s opinion, after all.

Awwwww...

...and to think, she'd be eaten outright in some countries. How sad! :(

 

Please Come Clean My Toilet

I require the assistance of one brave soul to scrub the filth and grime of accumulated waste from my toilet. This job pays nothing whatsoever, and will most likely cost you actual dignity during its commission. Much scrubbing and polishing will be had by all. Well, by you, anyway.

Additionally, please note the surly, calico mass on the lower part of the toilet rim. This is actually a part of the toilet and cannot be cleaned away...I have tried and failed many times, and it is always there when I open the lid. I suggest that you ignore it as best you can and, should you need to use the toilet while you are here (before you clean it, of course), do your best to guard whatever genitalia you might have brought with you.

Welcome!

Glad you stopped by! I’m looking forward to entertaining and/or enlightening you, and I hope that you have a thing or two to teach me.

Here’s a llama:

On The Topic Of Organized Religion

*apologies for the gratuitous use of the word "I" in this post*


I should probably get this out in the open now, in case any one plans on getting too attached to me as I weave my way around the internet...that way, you can get offended now and you haven't wasted quite as much of your time reading this infidel's/heathen's/goy's/untouchable's random rantings and ravings (interestingly enough, I did attempt to find a derogatory term for a non-Buddhist as well, and I wasn't able to find one).


I am an atheist. Well...agnostic, technically, but we'll get to that in a minute. Namely, I don't believe in any supreme creator in the traditional sense, and I am not even remotely ashamed of this. I cannot abide the thought of faith without evidence (as is faith's very nature), nor can I abide teaching children anything like this or this. And I don't even like kids! These little bastards will run the world one day, though, and that bothers me significantly.


I was born and raised Pentecostal/Assembly of God. You know the ones. Talking in tongues. Laying on of hands to cast out the demons. Faith healing and hoodoo and Lexus driving pastors and a giant collection plate. And blue and gold stained glass, alternating panels in the foyer. This lasted up until what I refer to as "The Age of Decision," which for me happened to be around my 11th birthday...at which point I refused to go. That was all well and good because the Sunday School teacher was really tired of answering my questions. In hindsight, I'm not entirely sure that I ever believed it. It's a nice story, and that's about all.


After leaving the church, Witchcraft and Catholicism entered the fray, though not in that order. They were basically the same thing, anyway. So, what was left? I read the Koran, and I found it to be even less palatable than the Bible, which is something I never thought possible, seeing as how the only thing I ever used a bible for growing up was rolling papers anyway. And the Koran smoked miserably. :( The Torah was more of the same...and then I realized what the problem was. Christianity, paganism, Islam...all of them, really...they're all the same story. They're all the same superstitious garbage that controls by fear and community pressure. I've heard of Jehovah's Witnesses separated from their families by their beliefs. Not even their own parents will speak to them! What sort of religion is that? Women stoned to death for sleeping around! No meat because of what day of the week it is??? We made it all up! The dates? Who the hell cares?!


I believe that all things are connected to each other and themselves. I believe that we are all part of the same tapestry, all connected together and to our world by hidden threads and strings. I am also vehemently opposed to anyone who tries to sway me or anyone I care about to their way of religious thinking. Call it what you will, but we've come too far as a species (in my opinion) to plunge ourselves back into the dark ages with this spiritual "Manifest Destiny." Honestly, I find myself wanting to scream repentance at the heavens from time to time. But not a diety...to the universe itself. For wasting its time.


I feel awful. I think I need a shower.

I'm Not A Complete Cynic...

Here's a fun little video I just made about a half-hour ago. It proves that I'm not as bitter as I let on. But don't tell anyone. *posts this on a public blog*

Jesus Dolls???

This is my first video ever. With any luck, I'll improve my camera and get some actual material. :)


This video is maybe one marketing person having gone somewhat too far...

I'm Not Even Kidding Here...

Why? Could Someone Tell Me?

Generally speaking, why do people in public restrooms insist on using those paper seat cover things? Have you ever tried to use one of these? 

I'm an average-sized guy, and the application of the paper seat cover device does nothing to enhance my bowel movement experience. For one, I'm pretty sure I'm following the directions on this thing when I do feel paranoid enough to need one of these...and it always fits awkwardly at best on the toilet seat. Then...are you supposed to tear off the flap thing? This part is never adequately explained, in my opinion. If you don't, you risk pissing all over it if it hangs inside the bowl (assuming I'm correctly placing this part of the seat cover in the front of the toilet). So, you tear it off. Then, you sit down and do your business.

After several minutes of sweating and grunting and straining to please the future Mrs. padd1ngton, I've worked up quite a froth on my skin. This is the case in even the nicest of bathrooms, no matter how well air-conditioned. Maybe I just need to adjust my diet. At any rate, when I finally finish up, I do the "one-creek lift" (as opposed to the "under the mountain," which allegedly only works if you have a vagina)...and this is where the first hint of problems arise. This supposedly sanitary, 1/16th of a inch thick paper device that was supposed to protect me from the heinousness that is this public toilet is now stuck to my ass. That's hardly comforting, is it?

So now, I have two choices. The first is to peel the paper device from this particular cheek and continue to wipe. I imagine this is the usual choice for most of the first world (which is, coincidentally, the only place you would even find this item...let alone hear of anyone using it -- I hear that people crap in their own water supply in some countries. Here: you think you have it so good? Check THIS out.)...but what about the alternative? Some might try to disengage from the saturated, pulpy apparatus entirely at this point. This would be foolhardy, however, as you risk "rubbing" and other things that you'd rather not consider.

No matter your choice, ultimately, you WILL end up peeling this paper nightmare off of your lower half and basically folding it into the toilet. Pieces of it will invariably be stuck to your ass until either the sweat dries or your wife picks it off you later that evening.

Why do we do this to ourselves? I will accept any and all answers. Thousands and thousands of years of human evolution...and this is the best we have? Wonderful.

the project

the project

Oh, Diaspora...how I long for thee...

Exile From Facebook!

So, I'm one of tens, hundreds...maybe even tens of hundreds who nutted up and moved operations over to a neutral, non-friend based social economy. When I found that I'd hidden 70% of the people on Facebook from my News Feed and didn't really care what the other 30% had to say...when I discovered that I couldn't speak my mind and conform to the blogging policies of my place of employ (which shall forever remain nameless on this blog)...when I realized that I was doing business with a company that didn't support the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America...that's when I knew it was time to leave.

I welcome all comments and feedback...unfortunately, I have turned off anonymous commenting on this and all of my blogs, as the internet is full of spam bots and what-have-you. I hope to be socially conscious and thought-provoking.